#RealLife, Infertility, PCOS

Easter.

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I’ve been contemplating how to write how I feel. Oh how quickly we fall from our highs. They had me come back in on Easter, Sunday April 16th. I was hopeful that everything would be on track and that Easter would bring a good luck charm our way.

The doctor measured my follicles and one was barely at 10mm and the other was barely 14mm. Meaning they either shrunk or they hardly grew. I was devastated. I tried my best to hold in the tears. I put my clothes back on and met the doctor in the office.

She quickly assured me that it was more likely a difference in the reading of the ultrasound, instead of them shrinking. She said that the results did imply that they hardly grew. Their recommendation, go home and come back in two days. Oh joy! (Insert sarcasm here.)

I was angry. I was beyond angry. I was SO mad that this happened. And let alone, it happened on Easter!! A day I felt like my focus should be on something entirely different. So not only were we nowhere closer to having a baby, but we also would be suffocated ALL DAY by so many children dressed in their adorable Easter attire. Which I much confess is so lovely to see. I can’t wait to dress my children in adorable clothing to celebrate that wonderful occasion-the resurrection of Jesus Christ!!! And seeing them dressed like that isn’t the problem. The problem is hearing EVERY SINGLE PARENT complain about their children, “how they are seriously SO hyper today” and “Gosh, it’s SO hard to deal with these children on holiday’s like today.” And my personal favorite from Easter 2017, “On days like these, I wish I could ship them off to live with someone else.”

NOTE: Now I have absolutely NO idea what it feels like for parents on holidays like Easter. I have no children!! So I get that you might be at the end of your rope! And I’m so sorry that things are crazy! I can’t even imagine what it feels like! I often like to dream how M and I will celebrate Easter with our children. What it will feel like to teach them about Jesus. To learn how to deal with children on a serious sugar high.  To pick out Easter outfits. Those are the things that fill my dreams at night.

But since I’m being real here, my heart breaks. It breaks every single time a parent says things like that! Not because I don’t think parenthood is hard. (I wouldn’t know.) Not because I don’t think they should complain. (Because venting is SO essential to keeping your sanity.) It’s because I’m so incredibly sad and full of grief that I don’t have that opportunity! I don’t know what it feels like, to feel like they do. I want to be a parent with them so desperately. My heart feels sad. It aches for that day when I can.

I was really grateful though, this specific Easter Sunday! Because I could feel my Savior reaching out for me! I was responsible for teaching girls at my church, ages 12-18 about the last week of Christ’s life and His resurrection on Easter Sunday. And I felt in that moment as Mary Magdalene must have felt, crying and kneeling in the garden. When Christ asked, “Woman, why weepest thou?” and then, “Jesus saith unto her, ‘Mary.'”

I felt that moment of grief and sadness swallowed up by a Savior who knew me and was waiting for me to recognize Him, as He did with Mary. It was a tender moment that allowed for a sweet and fulfilling day, rather than a heart not willing to taken the beauties around me.

That experience helped me to get through the next couple days. We went back in today. Tuesday. I felt scared, but reassured that M was by my side. I went through the usual vitals and ultrasound. I felt extra lucky, because my fav doc did the ultrasound. She is so positive and such a happy lady! Anyway, her disposition changed quickly and as we are now pretty much pros at reading ultrasounds, I could see why. They hadn’t grown. In fact, according to her measurements one was barely at 8mm and the other was barely at 13mm. Umm, excuse me?! WHAT?!

I was confused. What is going on body? My fav doc told me to get dressed and she would come grab me. We sat down with her and they said they were going to do what is called a re-recruit. Basically, I take 7.5mg of Letrozole for 5 days and then I come in shortly after that to see if they’ve continued maturing and are ready for trigger shot/IUI.

I grateful that she didn’t just say, come back in two days. I kind of hate when they say that. So at least there was something to do. She also advised that we schedule a regrouping meeting with my Dr. to discuss IVF. She said that IVF is probably the road we will need to take. So we scheduled an appointment with him for the end of next week. They gave me the paperwork packet on IVF so we can do some research with it in the mean time.

I could REALLY use some prayers and general good vibes if you have any to share. I’m hopeful!

Be in touch soon!love,r

#RealLife, Infertility, PCOS

And then there were two.

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We went in on the morning of April 4th for our beginning of cycle ultrasound. For those new to the path of IF – infertility – at the beginning of each cycle you usually go into the doctor for a base ultrasound. They take blood to run tests and make sure you’re safe to do a treatment cycle. Basically, you aren’t pregnant (believe me, we already know :() and to make sure you don’t have any cysts that will cause you harm. I felt a little discouraged. I mean, after all, the last cycle was cancelled because of cysts. What if they hadn’t gone away? What if one had blown up my ovary? I know they said I’d feel it, but what if I missed it somehow? M was totally positive. He wasn’t nervous at all – at least not that he showed. He just kept reassuring me that we should wait to worry until we actually know we have something to worry about. Smart man, huh? Too bad there is NO WAY my brain would allow that to happen.

They did the ultrasound. Two cysts, one on each ovary. They were small though, and shrinking dramatically. The nurse came into the room and told us the game plan. Estradiol tests were added onto my blood work – to determine if cysts were still growing –  and told me they would be in contact soon.

I got a call that night that my levels were good, so the cycle was a go! Woot Woot! Because my follicles grow so slow, they also decided to increase my Letrozole to 5 mg. Hopefully, it would allow my little follicles to mature and mature faster. I was excited. Maybe we’d have better results?

They told me to come back 10 days later – today – for our mid-cycle ultrasound. We went in and guys!!!! GUESS WHAT?!?!?!? I have TWO follicles!!! One on each ovary!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!?! Maybe that would increase my chances of having a baby!!! I could even have twins!!!! BAH! And I feel on a high, people! Like my brain cannot stop thinking about the possibilities!

Here is to hoping!

love,r

#RealLife, IUI, PCOS

Our Infertility Journey

rmpond13

Hello! You can call me R. I always imagined how my life would turn out. Never in a million years did I think this is where I would be. I mean, did everything in your life turn out exactly as you planned?…

I’m sure one day we’ll all look back with 20/20 vision and be SOOOOOO grateful, that it happened the way it did, but for now, how about we keep it real.

My husband and I met in college and were friends for a long time. One day we realized we both wanted to be more than friends. But more on that later. Long story short, we got married, moved to a quaint town, and lived happily ever after. HAHA! Riiiiiggggghhhhhhttttttttttt?!

No, I promise we’re happy. I love that guy! He’s my best friend and the ONLY person I want by my side as we try to navigate life! My naive self always thought life would be so easy. Finish school, get married, have babies, raise those babies, love those sweet babies, (Babies, Babies, Babies! It is all I can think about!) and work really hard on helping to lead a life that contributes positively to society.

But I wasn’t prepared to face the reality of the roadblocks coming our way. (insert sigh here.) Shortly after getting married, we decided to start a family. I got off birth control and had horrific side effects (i.e., gaining 60 lbs within a matter of months, my facial hair grew OUT OF CONTROL, and my acne flared up like I was a teenager or something.) If we didn’t want children so badly, I would have hopped right back on that birth control bandwagon! Hadn’t I done my time? I mean, the high school years were bad enough, but now that I am a full grown adult – ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

January 2015 – After 4 months of trying (and dealing with TERRIBLE symptoms!) with no luck, I went to my PCP – Primary Care Physician – and begged for help! After running some tests over a couple of months they diagnosed me with PCOS – Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. They quickly provided me with a treatment plan. I was put on 1000mg of Metformin daily. (Side Note: Metformin is the WORST medication I’ve ever been on!!! If you are/ever have been on it, I sympathize with you!!) and was told to start using OPKs – Ovulation Predictor Kits – to determine when I was ovulating. My PCP  then directed me to try to lose weight and continue trying to conceive for six months. If we were still not pregnant at that point, we were directed to come back to him.

November 2015 – I went back to my PCP after the directed 6 months. I had lost some weight, however it wasn’t enough. He sat down with M and I, giving us the realistic truths I didn’t want to hear. “Children born to obese parents are XX times more likely to be obese, there is XX percentage of miscarriage in obese parents, you are XX times more likely to die in childbirth when obese.” I felt guilty. I didn’t want to bring children into this world if there was such a high chance of me dying in childbirth or them starting life at a disadvantage. I left feeling INCREDIBLY guilty and like crap about myself. However, he did let me choose if I wanted to proceed with treatment, or if I would like to continue attempting to make physical changes first. My PCP, who obviously touched a nerve, had encouraged me to make the decision to continue with timed intercourse, Metformin, and attempted weight loss. And so I did.

If anyone has ever gone through infertility, they know that it is a constant emotional roller coaster. One minute you’re hopeful, the next you’re at the bottom of the pit, and so the cycle continues day after day, week after week, month after month. We agreed to work on it again for another six months.

April 2016 – I lost a total of 10 lbs. Whoop dee doo! Obviously not enough to have any influence on my infertility. I had one, and only one positive OPK, and that was my second month off birth control. I FINALLY went in to see the doctor again. He agreed I would probably need a little bit more help. He prescribed Clomid, which made us a little nervous and excited. Both M and I have multiples in our immediate family. So we were hopeful that we would maybe even have twins!!! I remember vividly driving to M’s brother’s wedding during the middle of that cycle. We were stopped at this gas station in the middle of nowhere.  It was time to take my OPK. The gas station was all out of toilet paper seat covers, so I had to squat over the toilet to take my OPK. I remember trying to not feel too hopeful because, with the exception of one OPK, all of the OPKs I had taken were negative. I paced back and forth in front of the sinks, praying that this month might be different!! I put a timer on my phone so I wouldn’t be tempted to look before. It went off and…

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In the middle of nowhere WY, in a nasty unsanitary bathroom, my day was made!! I ran out of the room to tell M our good news. It would be a good night. (Insert winking face here.) We did five cycles of Clomid. Two of the five times, we got positive OPK tests. I felt disheartened. Clomid was supposed to fix all of our problems, right? After the fourth cycle, we decided we would make an appointment with an RE – Reproductive Endocrinologist – and continue with Clomid until our appointment.

October 2016 – We met with our RE for the first time on 28th. A day I’ll never forget. He quickly confirmed the diagnosis of PCOS.  He gave me hope. He reiterated that it would be a hard journey, but that there was definitely hope and, no matter how sad I feel, to hang onto the hope that I still have! He ran some more tests and in December 2016 I started my first round of treatment with Him. The plan: oral medication (Letrozole), ultrasounds (to check follicle presence/growth and to determine timing), ovulation trigger shot (Ovidrel) and an IUI – Intrauterine Insemination.

December 2016 – Letrozole 2.5mg and even with SO many ultrasounds, they missed my ovulation. (Hurray, I ovulated on my own! Bummer, we didn’t get to do an IUI.)

January 2017 – Letrozole 2.5mg, 1 Follicle, Ovidrel injection, and our first IUI!

February 2017 – 1 cyst from previous cycle. Shrinking in size and low estradiol levels. Cycle is a GO! Letrozole 2.5mg, 1 Follicle, Ovidrel injection, and our second IUI.

March 2017 – 1 GINORMOUS cyst from previous cycle. (Measured at 65mm – OMG WHAAAATTT?!!!!) Had to take cycle off for fear of ovarian rupture. I was so sad, we went on a vacation to take our minds off of it. (Seriously so good for my mental health!!!)

April 2017 – 2 small cysts – one on each ovary. Shrinking in size and low estradiol levels. This cycle is a go!!

I have yet to see what will come of this cycle, but I’m SOOOO hopeful!

And our journey continues…

love,r